The THINGS THAT SUCK!!!! post
Internets! I am feeling all sorts of spiteful and frustrated and vengeful as of late. Not cool! So instead of binge-drinking and making other dubious life choices, I have decided to try this sublimation thing and use this opportunity to rag on things I hate. Read on! Rant with me! (Or at me!) Scream into your pillow! It does a body good.
Maybelline Great Lash. WHY do people still use this? WHY? It's sloppy and wet and smears and feels heavy and doesn't even do much. WHY????
Patchouli. So many a scent has been ruined by the heavy patch. Like the new YSL Elle, with Coco Rocha looking so amazing in the ads. Wanted to love it, but can't! Same thing with all of the Pleasures perfumes, sooo nice on everyone else, but on me? Stinging dirty head-achy patchouli is all I smell after 15 mins. Arrgh!
Razors. You are telling me that in this day and age, when they can put monkeys on Mars and real boobies on burly men... you are telling me you can't make a frickin' razor blade that stays sharp for more than 2 weeks? This is a marketing scam to get us to buy more ridiculously priced refills, and there is nothing I can do about it unless I want to go all hippy and unshaven (um, no). Gah!
Scarlett Johansson. I know, you all love her. WELL I DON'T. Aside from her fame, she is a slightly mannish girl at whom I wouldn't look twice on the street, except maybe at her admittedly nice rack. Slapping on some bleach and red lipstick doesn't make you "Old Hollywood" -- news flash, those women were actually handsome. And didn't have moustaches. ScoJo's gotta go! My lovely Josh Hartnett has figured it out, Rihanna is much much hotter (even if the age difference is a bit creepy).
Silicon-based "mousse" foundations. What the hell is the point of giving me airbrushed-looking skin, just to break me out after 2 days? Why taunt me???
So-called "perfect for all skintones" lip liners. Mac Spice, Body Shop Beech, Rimmel Clover... I'm looking at all of you. You all turn completely muddy and/or orange on me, while everyone else clamours on about your perfection. Go on and make my lips feel like freak rejects, will you!
Jockey's strapless push-up bra. This devil left red welts on my skin after I accidentally wore it to bed. I'm not kidding, it scarred and took weeks to heal. I'd hate to imagine what their jock-straps do...
Overly smokey eyes on Asian girls. Okay, this is an odd one. But I really abhor when Asian (well, Oriental) girls try to do the full-on smokey eyes, with the black eyeliner all the way around the bottom and top lash lines. Ladies, most of us don't have much surface area to work with, and blending all that colour up to your eyebrows is a bad idea. Restraint is the key. Plus the super-duper eyeliner just makes you look trend-whorey and ... well, mean. Like how I am being right now. Har. Check it out:
Just... NO! I feel kind of bad posting these... some of them are real women, who I'm sure are just awesome people. But the eyes! Are dirty and smutty, and not in a good way. I even asked for an impartial guy's opinion about the girl on the top right (she's a model, so I didn't feel quite so bad), and while he neither agreed with "hot" nor "brothel girl from those Suzy Wong days", his diagnosis was "It looks like she has a black eye on the right". Attractive.
It's not entirely their fault... I've read dozens of articles, blogs, and books telling Asian women that we should use lots of dark smokey jewel tones and black eyeliner to enhance their "exotic shaped eyes". But have any of these advice-givers actually looked at girls in Asia? Those who actually do it right?
Okay, granted, these girls are movie stars or models or various other celebs. And maybe they didn't do their own makeup. But they look HOT. Their eyes are dramatic and sultry, but still clean.
So what's the difference? Keep the dark colours very close to the lashes! In the HOT photos, the darkness ends at the eyelid fold. Just like how you wouldn't blend past the crease and up the bottom of the browbone for Caucasian eyes, bringing dark colours past the fold is asking for trouble, unless you have a really large or round eye area.
That doesn't mean you can't use colour higher than the fold... just keep it light and sheer. You can go a bit bolder if the bottom lids are minimal, without heavy liner all the way around. However, if you're going to be doing a thicker or smudgier line on the bottom lashes, consider keeping the area above the fold as clean and naked-looking as possible. For an awesome guide on how to do an attractive smokey eye, check out this post from Makeup For Life, from whom I stole 2 of the above (hot) pics.
Of course, I have seen Asian girls look amazing in a whoppingly dark and gorgeous smokey eye. And yes, I'm very jealous. But generally, they are model-like (if not actual models), or performers of some sort for whom these larger-than-life looks are appropriate. For real life, please, please, don't cover up your natural gorgeousness with trashy eye makeup. Please!
Anyway. Finally... Gossip Girl Re-Runs. Fuckin' hell. Can't a girl get a break already?
Whew! That was quite the bitch-fest. I feel much better now. How about you? Agree? Incensed? Let it all out!