Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Rant: I hate Jade

Anyone watch America's Next Top Model? I do. I swear I'm not a reality TV junkie... ANTM's the only one I watch. Well, and Myth Busters, because they are awesome. Oh, and Iron Chef sometimes, because that little dude with the microphone who zips around asking the chefs questions at inopportune times? And the random Japanese pop-starlet judge, who says things like "Oh! The flavours! They are like tears of a river, melting on my tongue..."? They are also awesome.

But back to ANTM. A bunch of friends from school and I get together to watch it every week, as much for the show as for us to catch up and hang out a bit. Lord knows we need a girls' night as a respite from dealing with those 6 guys in our MA class of 35! As you may or may not know, the Final Three are down to Joanie ("rockin' it for God!"), Danielle ("sucka!") and Jade (...). I love Danielle because she's ridiculously cute and I love her accent and mannerism. I love Joanie because she's wacky and fun and drop dead gorgeous and she hates Jade too and ohmigod let's be Best Friends 4Ever, ok Joans?

But Jade? "Bi-racial Butterfly?" More like Bi-racial* Bitch.** I find her repulsive, both as a person and as a model. I mean, there's a fair bit (apx. 18 metric shitloads) of editing that goes on for ANTM, and lots of people get made out to be worse than they are. But I'm pretty sure it would've been well-nigh impossible for the editors to spin Jade in a way that portrayed her as anything less than vile.

She has been turning out really nice pictures recently though, which, if I could refrain from convulsing in disgust every time I saw her long enough to realize it, would strike me as disconcerting. But rest assured good people of the internet! Jade cannot win, because Jade is a man. Witness:

That would be Jarvis Church (aka: Gerald Eaton, aka: lead singer of the Philosopher Kings) up there. Jade is like his unholy psycho female clone. This hurts me, because I used to LOVE Gerald Eaton. Very atypical of me, but it was something about that voice... I'm a sucker (sucka!) for musicians. Plus, that one New Year's Eve, when he serenaded his wife on-stage somewhere in Manisnowbar? Hot.

So while it hurts me to realize that Gerald and Jade may wade waaay too closely together in the gene pool for my liking, I take comfort in the fact*** that Jade will "never win this com-pe-tition" (I just used my Tyra Voice there).

* Lest this be taken as a racial comment, let me put forth that I think bi-racial people are amongst the most beautiful in the world. In fact, judging from my track record, my own kids will most likely be bi-racial, if and whenever that whole thing happens.

** Still, that was harsh. Not very nice of me at all. But I DO feel better now.

*** Ok, that should read "hope". But seriously, if Jade wins, I may never ever ever watch this stupid show ever again, and I don't care how many ads that Jay Manuel and his ridiculous orange skin shove in my face.



At 12:39 p.m., Blogger Cowgirl Warrior said...

OMG, I will have to write a scathing email to Tyra if Jade wins, like the scathing email I wrote to the CDN sensus about their inaccessible what if I left it to the last minute.

Jade has the most mystifying arrogance I've ever seen somewhat akin to Paris Hilton. She's condescending and just plain irritating. She can't be a spokesperson, she can't even say a straightforward sentence.

I love Danielle and Joanie, both of them have overcome those dental surgeries.

My friend Philip has checked out all of the contenders profiles on myspace and Jade is the only one who doesn't have one apparently...curious

At 4:07 p.m., Anonymous Glitterati said...

Oh lawdy, I hope it's only because Jade is too preposterous to know how to make a MySpace profile.

But I do think you meant to say: "Jade has the most mystiquifying arrogance I've ever seen..." ;)

I'm rooting for Joanie, but I'd be very happy if either she or Danielle won. Here's to hoping! 2 hours before show time for me... I made BLT-stuffed cherry tomatoes, how very Martha!

At 6:02 p.m., Blogger Cowgirl Warrior said...

I'm rooting for Joanie too. I have 3 hours until show time. Can't wait.

And that is very Martha and I am so incredibly proud ;)

At 9:47 a.m., Blogger Cowgirl Warrior said...

Ha I loved the eyerolling she gave the judges as they critiqued her and I was so happy to see her gone.

I feel bad for Joanie but I'm also happy for Danielle.

Also wanted to tell you they're tearing down Japanese Village and putting up a 38 story something or other. What exactly are those cleaver wielding chefs going to do now?

At 1:04 p.m., Blogger The Glitterati said...

I felt bad for Joanie too, but I think this may be the first time ever that the Finalists actually would have felt happy for the other person, had the other person won. Here's to fruitful and exciting careers for the both of them! And here's to estrogen therapy for Jade!

Oooh, that's a bummer about Japanese Village. Who wants to live/have an office next to the French Maid anyway? Well, maybe lots of people... people that my mom told me to stay far away from.

Oh, and the Strawberry Layer Angel Food cake I made that was inspired by you and delivered by Pure heaven!

At 3:44 p.m., Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hated Jade Cole. So completely arrogant and why I ask? I just don't know. She has close to no intelligence (that comment about how Elephants are Dinosaurs).
Vent here ->

At 8:14 p.m., Anonymous Anonymous said...

At 12:44 p.m., Anonymous viagra online said...

It is so interesting jade is one of the awful girls who has participated in the show America's Next Top Model


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