Rant: I hate Jade

Anyone watch America's Next Top Model? I do. I swear I'm not a reality TV junkie... ANTM's the only one I watch. Well, and Myth Busters, because they are awesome. Oh, and Iron Chef sometimes, because that little dude with the microphone who zips around asking the chefs questions at inopportune times? And the random Japanese pop-starlet judge, who says things like "Oh! The flavours! They are like tears of a river, melting on my tongue..."? They are also awesome.

But back to ANTM. A bunch of friends from school and I get together to watch it every week, as much for the show as for us to catch up and hang out a bit. Lord knows we need a girls' night as a respite from dealing with those 6 guys in our MA class of 35! As you may or may not know, the Final Three are down to Joanie ("rockin' it for God!"), Danielle ("sucka!") and Jade (...). I love Danielle because she's ridiculously cute and I love her accent and mannerism. I love Joanie because she's wacky and fun and drop dead gorgeous and she hates Jade too and ohmigod let's be Best Friends 4Ever, ok Joans?

But Jade? "Bi-racial Butterfly?" More like Bi-racial* Bitch.** I find her repulsive, both as a person and as a model. I mean, there's a fair bit (apx. 18 metric shitloads) of editing that goes on for ANTM, and lots of people get made out to be worse than they are. But I'm pretty sure it would've been well-nigh impossible for the editors to spin Jade in a way that portrayed her as anything less than vile.

She has been turning out really nice pictures recently though, which, if I could refrain from convulsing in disgust every time I saw her long enough to realize it, would strike me as disconcerting. But rest assured good people of the internet! Jade cannot win, because Jade is a man. Witness:

That would be Jarvis Church (aka: Gerald Eaton, aka: lead singer of the Philosopher Kings) up there. Jade is like his unholy psycho female clone. This hurts me, because I used to LOVE Gerald Eaton. Very atypical of me, but it was something about that voice... I'm a sucker (sucka!) for musicians. Plus, that one New Year's Eve, when he serenaded his wife on-stage somewhere in Manisnowbar? Hot.

So while it hurts me to realize that Gerald and Jade may wade waaay too closely together in the gene pool for my liking, I take comfort in the fact*** that Jade will "never win this com-pe-tition" (I just used my Tyra Voice there).



* Lest this be taken as a racial comment, let me put forth that I think bi-racial people are amongst the most beautiful in the world. In fact, judging from my track record, my own kids will most likely be bi-racial, if and whenever that whole thing happens.

** Still, that was harsh. Not very nice of me at all. But I DO feel better now.

*** Ok, that should read "hope". But seriously, if Jade wins, I may never ever ever watch this stupid show ever again, and I don't care how many ads that Jay Manuel and his ridiculous orange skin shove in my face.